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An Internal Dialogue... Are You Truly Listening?By Dr. Jim Smith, Board Certified Coach and President of Leadership Systems, Inc. |
As an executive coach now for over 30 years, I have noticed some behavior patterns in the leaders that I coach. One such pattern is in internal conversations or what I call “ramp up rhetoric”. We all have internal dialogue, unexpressed thought or “conversations” that are simply what we refer to as our internal thoughts.
This process seems to be more observable today in what some have termed, the “blame culture” and it goes like this: When one individual observes a behavior that they do not like or does not align with their value system, they have a negative response.
Let me give you an example.
John may say that he really loves sales. David hears that John loves sales, AND he begins an internal dialogue with himself: So… John loves sales, I wonder if he said that because he does not like customer service. Come to think about it, last week he had a great opportunity to do some customer service, and he did not seem to want to do that… in fact I further believe that he does not like customer service and he probably does not like customers either, he just wants to sell, sell, sell… and he is beginning to place more of the burden of customer service on the rest of us here in the service side of the business…. And in addition to that, I was wondering if he even likes me? Come to think of it, just last week, he seemed to brush me off and cut me short in a meeting as he emphasized a point of sales and …you know, that must be what is motivating him and his actions…. Sales is simply all he cares about, not people, just sales!
Pause: you may now be thinking that David just has some “issues” or personal problems and needs to find some Employee Assistance or other counseling. Perhaps. However, is your internal dialogue really that different? Are any of us exempt from this line of thinking on occasion?
One person may just be taking the time to emphasize an interest, to share their moment of excitement or just express some words about their priorities and we… at least, I at times, can somehow have an internal conversation about a larger story revolving around them that may or may not be true. If I continue the line of thought, I can become disappointed at best or extremely negative at worse at this individual.
I believe this is happening on a grand scale in today’s current political climate. Many internal discussions have resulted in a very strong emotional reaction that has seemed to move toward one making assumptions and conclusions about the other’s views, values and even their internal motivations.
Such assumptions have at times caused not only strong feelings but very strong actions that have made life hard for not only them but for all of those whom they have influenced. Have you ever wondered how someone on the “other side” or who is from a different perspective can hear a different idea and seem to get “triggered”? We have recently heard of such “trigger words” and they can fit this scenario. A “trigger” word can be a moment in which one hears maybe just a word that seems to advance the hearer way down the road of assumptions (usually negative assumptions and inferences) to arrive at a place of strong emotion and also the willingness to take some decisive actions… even though they actually know a very small amount of information about the term or topic. This thinking is expanded by the current culture of “blaming” and, as we have mentioned, often there is further adding or attributing of ideas to the place that they will even fight the one who uttered the word. The days past of civil dialogue, debate, discussion have been lost to the new culture of internal dialogue with no real debate and no healthy discussion at all.
There is a positive option to all of this. The positive side is that those who are optimistic and often known as the positive or “can do” type person can have a different internal dialogue.
This more positive person is more open, willing to allow differences and even acceptance of the other person, even if they may potentially disagree or choose to hold different values. Such a person has this internal dialogue:
John may say that he really loves sales.
David hears that John loves sales, AND he begins an internal dialogue with himself: So… John loves sales, I wonder why he said that? Does he really love sales and other aspects of the business too, like service; or is he saying that to the exclusion of customer service or to demean the customer service group? I know John is quite a people person and I know he is gifted at sales, however he may or may not be trying to promote sales exclusively…so I will ask him his motives and why he said what he did and what he actually meant. I know John, and I know he will be willing to interact with me so we can stay on the same page and enjoy serving on the same team in this org.
David may also go on to have further internal dialogue and to quote CS Lewis in his books on Narnia when someone’s character was questioned. Aslan asked, “Now what do you know about them to be true? Based on that, you can make a better decision on what their motives and intentions might be?”
Taking this advice, I have been able to immediately pause when I have heard a message or a “trigger word” that troubled me. I have had the internal dialogue to say… “Wait, what do I know to be true about the speaker?” Then I choose to move more positively into discussion with them, and yes, even to proactively discuss and debate without moving down “Assumption Avenue” to a negative or blaming conclusion about them and their motives. Rather, the process of taking the time to reframe with “what is known about them” is so valuable, and if nothing is known, then to stop and ask some key background questions BEFORE engaging them in any discussions or before drawing any conclusions. Thus I have saved myself from several difficult moments.
Another option is to simply listen for a while, to just hear them, and, if possible, to try to repeat back, out loud to them, what they have seemed to say, in order to be sure that I understood them correctly. I try to use their words and maybe summarize but to be careful to not change the meaning, add meaning or in anyway load the content with conclusion or judgement about them or their words.
This intermediate step has allowed me to stay neutral and to seek “to understand before being understood” (Steven Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People).
This small behavior shift has also gained me many accurate moments, as well as more clearly understood concepts, and it has allowed me the time to avoid the negative internal dialogue. By reframing to more positive internal dialogue, or at least to just stay neutral in the moment, I am able to keep hearing them and hopefully find a place of genuine dialogue and discussion.
A resource on this topic was first introduced to me by Sheila Heen in “Difficult Discussions- How to Discuss What Matters Most” by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. Sheila took the time with me one day at a co-training event to beautifully explore and explain the concept. She and her Harvard colleagues have written extensively on how to further demonstrate keeping the full conversation at the focal point and to avoid those negative internal conversations that have trapped us all.
This process seems to be more observable today in what some have termed, the “blame culture” and it goes like this: When one individual observes a behavior that they do not like or does not align with their value system, they have a negative response.
Let me give you an example.
John may say that he really loves sales. David hears that John loves sales, AND he begins an internal dialogue with himself: So… John loves sales, I wonder if he said that because he does not like customer service. Come to think about it, last week he had a great opportunity to do some customer service, and he did not seem to want to do that… in fact I further believe that he does not like customer service and he probably does not like customers either, he just wants to sell, sell, sell… and he is beginning to place more of the burden of customer service on the rest of us here in the service side of the business…. And in addition to that, I was wondering if he even likes me? Come to think of it, just last week, he seemed to brush me off and cut me short in a meeting as he emphasized a point of sales and …you know, that must be what is motivating him and his actions…. Sales is simply all he cares about, not people, just sales!
Pause: you may now be thinking that David just has some “issues” or personal problems and needs to find some Employee Assistance or other counseling. Perhaps. However, is your internal dialogue really that different? Are any of us exempt from this line of thinking on occasion?
One person may just be taking the time to emphasize an interest, to share their moment of excitement or just express some words about their priorities and we… at least, I at times, can somehow have an internal conversation about a larger story revolving around them that may or may not be true. If I continue the line of thought, I can become disappointed at best or extremely negative at worse at this individual.
I believe this is happening on a grand scale in today’s current political climate. Many internal discussions have resulted in a very strong emotional reaction that has seemed to move toward one making assumptions and conclusions about the other’s views, values and even their internal motivations.
Such assumptions have at times caused not only strong feelings but very strong actions that have made life hard for not only them but for all of those whom they have influenced. Have you ever wondered how someone on the “other side” or who is from a different perspective can hear a different idea and seem to get “triggered”? We have recently heard of such “trigger words” and they can fit this scenario. A “trigger” word can be a moment in which one hears maybe just a word that seems to advance the hearer way down the road of assumptions (usually negative assumptions and inferences) to arrive at a place of strong emotion and also the willingness to take some decisive actions… even though they actually know a very small amount of information about the term or topic. This thinking is expanded by the current culture of “blaming” and, as we have mentioned, often there is further adding or attributing of ideas to the place that they will even fight the one who uttered the word. The days past of civil dialogue, debate, discussion have been lost to the new culture of internal dialogue with no real debate and no healthy discussion at all.
There is a positive option to all of this. The positive side is that those who are optimistic and often known as the positive or “can do” type person can have a different internal dialogue.
This more positive person is more open, willing to allow differences and even acceptance of the other person, even if they may potentially disagree or choose to hold different values. Such a person has this internal dialogue:
John may say that he really loves sales.
David hears that John loves sales, AND he begins an internal dialogue with himself: So… John loves sales, I wonder why he said that? Does he really love sales and other aspects of the business too, like service; or is he saying that to the exclusion of customer service or to demean the customer service group? I know John is quite a people person and I know he is gifted at sales, however he may or may not be trying to promote sales exclusively…so I will ask him his motives and why he said what he did and what he actually meant. I know John, and I know he will be willing to interact with me so we can stay on the same page and enjoy serving on the same team in this org.
David may also go on to have further internal dialogue and to quote CS Lewis in his books on Narnia when someone’s character was questioned. Aslan asked, “Now what do you know about them to be true? Based on that, you can make a better decision on what their motives and intentions might be?”
Taking this advice, I have been able to immediately pause when I have heard a message or a “trigger word” that troubled me. I have had the internal dialogue to say… “Wait, what do I know to be true about the speaker?” Then I choose to move more positively into discussion with them, and yes, even to proactively discuss and debate without moving down “Assumption Avenue” to a negative or blaming conclusion about them and their motives. Rather, the process of taking the time to reframe with “what is known about them” is so valuable, and if nothing is known, then to stop and ask some key background questions BEFORE engaging them in any discussions or before drawing any conclusions. Thus I have saved myself from several difficult moments.
Another option is to simply listen for a while, to just hear them, and, if possible, to try to repeat back, out loud to them, what they have seemed to say, in order to be sure that I understood them correctly. I try to use their words and maybe summarize but to be careful to not change the meaning, add meaning or in anyway load the content with conclusion or judgement about them or their words.
This intermediate step has allowed me to stay neutral and to seek “to understand before being understood” (Steven Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People).
This small behavior shift has also gained me many accurate moments, as well as more clearly understood concepts, and it has allowed me the time to avoid the negative internal dialogue. By reframing to more positive internal dialogue, or at least to just stay neutral in the moment, I am able to keep hearing them and hopefully find a place of genuine dialogue and discussion.
A resource on this topic was first introduced to me by Sheila Heen in “Difficult Discussions- How to Discuss What Matters Most” by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. Sheila took the time with me one day at a co-training event to beautifully explore and explain the concept. She and her Harvard colleagues have written extensively on how to further demonstrate keeping the full conversation at the focal point and to avoid those negative internal conversations that have trapped us all.
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Dr. Jim Smith, a Certified Executive Coach, is unrivaled in his passion for leadership development and coaching. With nearly three decades of experience he has the unique ability to effectively coach at all levels. Whether one-on-one or in a group setting, Jim will show you how to reframe your challenges into opportunities. As President and founder of LSI, Jim has assisted leaders in gaining a deeper understanding of their individual leadership style. His extensive experience includes 26 years as an adjunct trainer for The Center For Creative Leadership in Greensboro, NC where his coaching was a required viewing for all new CCL coaches. Jim also teaches leadership courses at the doctoral level. With over 18,500 one-on-one coaching sessions under his belt, Jim has the experience and understanding to help map your career path and resolve any professional barrier you might be facing.
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