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Cars, Cash and Careers......And What They Are Missing.By Dr. Jim Smith, Board Certified Coach and President of Leadership Systems, Inc. |
Listening to and coaching executives, medical professionals, and senior leaders in all sectors of society, I have seen consistent patterns emerge. I have often mentioned before the familiar challenges with balance, delegation, and conflict among some of the top concerns that arise. The most prevalent patterns I tend to see usually sounds like, “I realize I have been successful, but I have missed significance” or “I have found some meaning as I have drawn closer to my family, but there is this nagging internal loneliness and isolation that is pervasive.”
Probably the second most common theme that coaches hear from clients (successful, well-educated clients) is “Coach, I know I can make a dollar but what I crave is to make a difference.”
Significance. Often this search sounds like, “It used to be a sprint or even a marathon, for cars, cash, a big career but no longer. Now I long to reconnect with my family. I have somehow lost what I once had.” “As we talk about my life and career, I can recount the mile posts and success marked by lots of achievements as well as decades of objectives and goals hit but now…so what? I want, no I need, deeper significance.”
“As you ask me, ‘Who are you?’ ‘What is going well?’ and ‘What is not going well?’ I seem fuzzy on my current identity because I have for so long defined myself by what I did or what I was going to do rather than by who I truly am at the deeper level. For decades I have chased the golden ring and while I did put kids though school and paid lots of bills, taxes, and even traveled some, I now cannot say that has resonated in feelings of significance. I chased the golden ring but seem to wear the golden handcuffs. To be honest, I find more meaning in a good chat with a friend, a moment of reflection where I did something for someone, opened a door for a key contact or just enjoyed my family. This seems more on track to the destination of meaning and significance but still something is missing.”
As a coach I often ask at this point, “Where do you think significance lies for you?” or I “When do you seem to feel like this moment is the right way to spend your time? More and more the responses are, “Coach, I am more internally connected in moments of family, friends, etc. and something I have not thought of until now is that something is missing, and it seems to be in the faith dimension.”
When I request more elaboration, they say “Well, as I talk and respond to your questions about life and career, I see many positives and goals accomplished but I feel so external and performance driven and what seems to deliver true significance is internal. It is closer when we speak of family, friends, and my deeply held beliefs. I have until now thought meaning was simply on the outside, external. Now I see it is more on the inside – matters of the heart.”
Often, I mention to the coachee that another pattern I have seen related to this Significance discussion is in my clients who have 4 or more children or those that are very faith oriented and seem to have family and faith as a rudder in their life. These clients, almost without exception, are the most confident in themselves, seem most productive and have clearer perspective, insight, and an eye for significance.
When I have interacted deeper with this demographic, here is what I have observed:
One additional caveat when coaching a mature and thoughtful single or divorced is that they can also demonstrate high significance and life meaning…. When I see this, which does not fit the above pattern, I have seen a very close connection with another clearly identified “family” as their close siblings family or their Church family. This seems always present and provides a similar connection to help them with the focus on the priorities of family, faith and significance.
Finally, the best way I have seen this above observation play out is in a funeral. Sobering yes, but who is there? Usually we find family, friends and a discussion of faith. The ones who often have lived large and achieved much can also have a large funeral, but it tends to be more of a social event and the fact that many others are coming is a huge pull for the reasoning behind the turnout.
The life of significance seems to not only influence in their most productive days, but well beyond their active “productive years”. The life that is ripe with significance and meaning is one which has invested in others, demonstrated care and concern in the majority of their relationships and kept their family high on the priority list. They have also found an internal and faith-focused compass to help them make decisions beyond the choices of right over wrong, but best over good.
When the day, when life, is over, have you thoughtfully mapped to that scene? Who might be there to remember and to celebrate you? Will it be your clients, banker and stock broker? Will it be the golf pro or casual friend whom we so often tend to think much of and try to please? Or will it be your family, friends and those who saw your priorities and who were personally impacted by your life, your care and your steady faith? It is your call, but I have found that a longer life in the right direction tends to deliver more significance, value and a deep sense of confidence and joy.
Probably the second most common theme that coaches hear from clients (successful, well-educated clients) is “Coach, I know I can make a dollar but what I crave is to make a difference.”
Significance. Often this search sounds like, “It used to be a sprint or even a marathon, for cars, cash, a big career but no longer. Now I long to reconnect with my family. I have somehow lost what I once had.” “As we talk about my life and career, I can recount the mile posts and success marked by lots of achievements as well as decades of objectives and goals hit but now…so what? I want, no I need, deeper significance.”
“As you ask me, ‘Who are you?’ ‘What is going well?’ and ‘What is not going well?’ I seem fuzzy on my current identity because I have for so long defined myself by what I did or what I was going to do rather than by who I truly am at the deeper level. For decades I have chased the golden ring and while I did put kids though school and paid lots of bills, taxes, and even traveled some, I now cannot say that has resonated in feelings of significance. I chased the golden ring but seem to wear the golden handcuffs. To be honest, I find more meaning in a good chat with a friend, a moment of reflection where I did something for someone, opened a door for a key contact or just enjoyed my family. This seems more on track to the destination of meaning and significance but still something is missing.”
As a coach I often ask at this point, “Where do you think significance lies for you?” or I “When do you seem to feel like this moment is the right way to spend your time? More and more the responses are, “Coach, I am more internally connected in moments of family, friends, etc. and something I have not thought of until now is that something is missing, and it seems to be in the faith dimension.”
When I request more elaboration, they say “Well, as I talk and respond to your questions about life and career, I see many positives and goals accomplished but I feel so external and performance driven and what seems to deliver true significance is internal. It is closer when we speak of family, friends, and my deeply held beliefs. I have until now thought meaning was simply on the outside, external. Now I see it is more on the inside – matters of the heart.”
Often, I mention to the coachee that another pattern I have seen related to this Significance discussion is in my clients who have 4 or more children or those that are very faith oriented and seem to have family and faith as a rudder in their life. These clients, almost without exception, are the most confident in themselves, seem most productive and have clearer perspective, insight, and an eye for significance.
When I have interacted deeper with this demographic, here is what I have observed:
- They are family-oriented and thus have a team mindset or healthy dependence on the family.
- This healthy dependence (Steven Covey called it Interdependence) allows them to realize they must delegate, depend on others and simply cannot or should not try to do it all by themselves.
- Their family mindset often fits well with their faith orientation to which they subscribe deep meaning, value and significance.
- They seem to leverage this faith and family thinking to help them see more clear priorities, less chasing after cars, cash and career and more focus on the internal things that matter.
One additional caveat when coaching a mature and thoughtful single or divorced is that they can also demonstrate high significance and life meaning…. When I see this, which does not fit the above pattern, I have seen a very close connection with another clearly identified “family” as their close siblings family or their Church family. This seems always present and provides a similar connection to help them with the focus on the priorities of family, faith and significance.
Finally, the best way I have seen this above observation play out is in a funeral. Sobering yes, but who is there? Usually we find family, friends and a discussion of faith. The ones who often have lived large and achieved much can also have a large funeral, but it tends to be more of a social event and the fact that many others are coming is a huge pull for the reasoning behind the turnout.
The life of significance seems to not only influence in their most productive days, but well beyond their active “productive years”. The life that is ripe with significance and meaning is one which has invested in others, demonstrated care and concern in the majority of their relationships and kept their family high on the priority list. They have also found an internal and faith-focused compass to help them make decisions beyond the choices of right over wrong, but best over good.
When the day, when life, is over, have you thoughtfully mapped to that scene? Who might be there to remember and to celebrate you? Will it be your clients, banker and stock broker? Will it be the golf pro or casual friend whom we so often tend to think much of and try to please? Or will it be your family, friends and those who saw your priorities and who were personally impacted by your life, your care and your steady faith? It is your call, but I have found that a longer life in the right direction tends to deliver more significance, value and a deep sense of confidence and joy.
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The LSI Roundtable is a quarterly gathering of top and emerging leaders that is designed to elevate the way that you think about the challenges you are facing. You will discover ways to activate your communication internally while broadening your relationships with other leaders across the country, as well as walk away from each session with a fresh passion to lead your organization into a future that is unknown and even unknowable.
CLAIM YOUR SEAT IN THE ROUNDTABLE HERE
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Dr. Jim Smith, a Certified Executive Coach, is unrivaled in his passion for leadership development and coaching. With nearly three decades of experience he has the unique ability to effectively coach at all levels. Whether one-on-one or in a group setting, Jim will show you how to reframe your challenges into opportunities. As President and founder of LSI, Jim has assisted leaders in gaining a deeper understanding of their individual leadership style. His extensive experience includes 26 years as an adjunct trainer for The Center For Creative Leadership in Greensboro, NC where his coaching was a required viewing for all new CCL coaches. Jim also teaches leadership courses at the doctoral level. With over 18,500 one-on-one coaching sessions under his belt, Jim has the experience and understanding to help map your career path and resolve any professional barrier you might be facing.
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